


Unfamiliar Ceilings

by SF3P0X1



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-14 07:10:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SF3P0X1/pseuds/SF3P0X1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the last ever sync test for Evangelion Unit 01, Shinji has a heart-to-heart talk with himself. Set after the end of the series, but as if the events in the End of Evangalion movie never happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unfamiliar Ceilings

_That which is… is. That which cannot be, struggles to be. My hand… though it cannot be any more than the vessel that it is… it is still my hand, and a part of me. Sever my hand; you sever a part of me._

 _  
What are these thoughts? What are thoughts, if nothing more than a rush of color… blatant, improvised… and yet, without purpose? Am I truly that which I am…?_

 _  
Image. Image is nothing, and yet… my image in the face of others is what I deem most important. What is my image… what do you see in those eyes? What do you expect to see if you never point your eyes in my direction? Nothing I do… nothing I do is worth your acceptance… I am thoughtless by your standards. A tool._

 _  
I have but one me… I have but one myself. I have one body, one mind, one soul… but I am limitless… I am limitless in the eyes of limitless others… I am a projection of my self as seen by others. I am an image in their minds, and them in my own._

 _  
And yet… I am. Still. Undone, broken, a form, a soul… a soul without consequence, without purpose of its own, but still a soul. When I move, I move with me. I am in synch with myself. I have control of myself. And yet, I am not in control. I have gone berserk, and even I cannot stop me._

 _  
What is control, if I cannot control it? Is control merely a perception of my mind… an idea that I am taught to accept? No… no! I cannot believe that! I am in control!_

 _  
Am I in control?_

 _  
There is this being… this Evangelion. Is this robot merely that… or is it merely another projection of my mind? Am I the only one who sees it? Then that would mean that the Angels were my creation… a distant trouble for a world at peace. Creating the Angels… creating the Evangelions… would it give me worth… to allow me to become the hero, if only for a moment…?_

 _  
Is being worth something that meaningful to me?_

 _  
Am I worthless? Is my total being less than worth… less than the truth that perhaps my worth would bring?_

 _  
Am I truly nothing without this robot…? Does this creation give me control over the measure of myself…?_

 _  
And then, the Eva… am I truly in control? Why does the Eva accept me? Why was I not rejected? The Angels were our enemies… were they not? To be accepted… rejection…_

 _  
Pain…_

 _  
Sadness…_

 _  
Darkness…_

 _  
Torment…_

 _  
Pain…_

 _  
Sadness…_

 _  
Darkness…_

 _  
Torment…_

 _  
Pain… Sadness…_

 _  
Darkness… Torment…_

 _  
Pain… Sadness… Darkness… Torment…_

 _  
The void… at the core of my mind, this darkness has spread into the very depths of my heart. I live to destroy the void… to destroy that which I fear, and yet, loathe the very thought of destroying. I live for and against this darkness, for and against the enemy of my mind. I truly hate… and I love to truly hate._

 _  
Love? What is this… love? Love… truly another perception I am taught to understand… to accept. Then why cannot I understand this… to love? Do I have to understand it? Cannot I just accept it and move on? Or, is there something more… do I have to be alive to understand what defines true happiness?_

 _  
Yes… happiness is separated from the mind by pain… it is pain that defines happiness… it is also pain that allows us to be aware that we still live… that we are still, indeed, human… Happiness does not come without pain._

 _  
Am I happy?_

 _  
I am happy!_

 _  
Am I happy?_

 _  
Father… are you happy? Or is happiness something else that disappoints you… is it something else that you can replace? Perhaps you are running away from it as well… perhaps you do not want to be happy… happiness evolves from pain… if you do not feel happiness, you do not have to acknowledge the pain… you no longer have to maintain your humanity…_

 _  
Without pain, you can shed your form… you can deny your human existence… you can be free…_

 _  
Then… I will be free… we will all be free…_

  
“Life support systems have been severed from the inside!”

“Eject the pilot! Shut off main power to the Eva!”

“It… it’s not responding! It’s gone into self-destruct mode! The entirety of NERV will be destroyed!”

“Evacuate!”

“Th-there’s no time…”

“Shinji…!”  
 __

 _Are you happy? Have you ever felt… happiness?_

…

“I hate this ceiling. This is the last time I see it.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first Evangelion fic I ever wrote, written before I saw the End of Evangelion movie.


End file.
